I'm clinging on to every last hope, but as the seconds pass, I come to realise that all I'm doing is just deluding myself. I know, that it will never happen, but I chose to believe and my trust is betrayed. No matter what I do, I can't take my mind of that. I've been trying to be indifferent, but deep down, I know, that I've failed miserably. Am I taking things too seriously? Am I thinking too much into things? Am I a worrywart? I guess loads of things are unnecessary, but I can't seem to block them out. I try to figure out the reason behind all that I'm doing and I'm left bewildered. Even I can't seem to comprehend myself. Is putting on the mask really all that important? I tell people that I'm okay, but am I really? Deep down, I question myself, and end up being filled with even more questions than ever.

Sometimes I can't even comprehend my actions. More often than not, I regret my actions but do nothing to salvage the situation. I do know what's right and what's wrong, I know that there is a limit to everything. But I can't seem to control myself and my actions for I lack that courage, to even stand up to myself. I never try hard to prove my point, I'd rather take the backseat, but that ended up in me being misunderstood more often than not. But I don't ever bother standing up for myself, for I see no point, if you know me, you do, if not, then too bad. I was taken aback by what you said, even though it's just a passing remark. I still remember the exact words you said, and now, I finally realised what you meant.

Who am I really? Am I that joker that some people know me as, that 'guailan'? Or what others know me as, that happy-go-lucky person with the heck care attitude? Bad tempered? Good tempered? That crazy person who goes crazy for no rhyme or reason? Or that 'emo kid' who pms-es every other day? Or just that normal person that you won't lose anything by not knowing? Some say I'm strong by the way they see me, but some, has seen the weak side to me. Some say I ain't afraid of anything, but deep down, I'm nothing else but a coward. Which of those am I really? Or am I a combination of everything? I don't even know. I can't figure it out. I guess there are different sides to me, and different people would have seen the different sides of me. One thing for sure, no one, not even I, would know who the real Dawn is. For even I, can't figure myself out too. I'm left, lost and confused.

My constant indecisiveness must have been a chore. I thought I didn't have a mind of my own, until what someone said made me ponder. I do know what I want, but what is it that's making me so reluctant to voice it out? I thought long and hard and didn't get no answer until someone told me that it was because I didn't want to force the people around me to do what I liked and what they might not like. I wonder how true is that? Is that the reason why I'm following on with other's decisions and making myself seem as if I just don't know what I want? You told me I ain't all bad, for anything is my pet phrase and I just go with the flow and follow the crowd. Is that just words of comfort?

Nobody's perfect. I'm not even anywhere near good, but i've no right to complain. I've gotta snap out of it. I've made a promise to myself and I will stick to it, no matter what. I'm sorry for being that burden all this while and thanks, for bearing with me. I'm sorry for all that I've done. I'll face up to it, for it's all my fault. I know I shouldn't think too much into things, but theres a difference between knowing and doing.

Through it all, I realised the harsh reality. I've gotta stand on my own feet, I've gotta pick myself up on my own, for there is actually no one around. I've built a stone wall around, I've blocked myself out. I don't want to be that burden anymore. I don't want to bother you anymore. I guess I'm just plain irritating. But I won't be anymore. For I've convinced myself of the very fact that I've been deluding myself of all this while. I've gotta prove, that one can survive, without anyone else around.

I've made many mistakes along the way. Many of which I deeply regret now. There doesn't seem to be a second chance already, for it's all too late. I thought, but how wrong I was. I really don't know, why I'm even feeling this way. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but that second chance? Those were just rash acts without thinking on my part which I'm feeling remorseful for. If this is the way things are turning out, then I question myself, why did I even bother opening out to you in the first place? I guess all those has changed my image, to someone you're only filled with disgust towards. But please, may I at least know what went wrong? I thought I've found my confidante, I slowly opened out, but I look at the outcome and sigh, what a fool I've been. Now I know, I'm better off keeping everything locked inside. As much as I want to shout it all out, I know I can't, for I lack the courage to do so and for the fact that there ain't anyone around.

After that, I really have no idea if there even is anyone by my side. I thought there is, but I looked at it from a different light and it dawned on me, the lie that I've been clinging on to. Perhaps I'm not worthy, perhaps.. I'm a coward, all I'm capable of is hiding in a corner, unwilling to face it. I'm breaking down, it's tearing me apart. But I'll stay strong, for I really don't wanna be that burden anymore. Even after all those, you still hold the most important position in my heart. I really don't want anything to affect our relationship, but time and again, after all I did, I just get more and more demoralized. Is what I'm doing still worth it? Do I even have any place left in your heart? I thought you were there to support me, but after all you did, I knew I was wrong. Maybe I'm thinking too much into things, maybe that ain't your intention. I will never know. I just hope, and hope that it's just me. I'm sorry, I really am, for what I did in the past. I know it's too late, but at least I can tell myself, I've tried. Your little actions affect me a lot, but I never let it show, at least in front of you. That day i stormed out, was all because I knew I would blow up and didn't feel like making the situation even worse anymore. Maybe you didn't agree with me, but could you at least tell me what went wrong? I really hope that my thinking is wrong, for I don't want to accept that fact. I really hope that things could be like what it was in the past, I really do. But as I look at it now, it seems highly impossible. I've tried taking the first step, but to no avail, time and time again, I try, but each time, I just get hurt, again and again and it just accumulates, plunging me into that hole, deeper than ever. I'm trying, but your actions are of no help at all. Do you ever know, how much I desire, how much I long for that? I guess it's all my fault, I'll take the blame. I guess I deserved what I'm getting now, that I'm living a life of misery. But, I'll put on a brave front, I'll show you what I'm capable of.

What is life? Really, after 16 years, I still don't know what life really is. Trying moments, happy times, are those all just a facade? I daresay this period of time is the most trying period of life I've ever been through. What with academic problems, O levels approaching, diseases, sufferings, near death experiences, quarrels, mistrust, worsening relations. As I see the people around me suffering, I can't help but sigh and feel disgusted at myself, for not being able to do anything to ease their pain. At least their condition is improving, and that kinda puts my mind at ease. I stare at the never depleting pile of books, notes, whatnot and I sigh, for I guess I'll regret, somehow or rather, for I lack that drive to carry on anymore, especially after all that has happened. I experience the awkwardness and I sigh, for I know it's my fault that things turned out this way. I know I can't give up right now, not at this point of time. I'm trying my best, but is it enough to keep me going? I sure hope so.

I thought I could rely on my friends and family to pull through this trying period, but each time I look all around for a helping hand, I see none. I thought. I know I need to be that support to some people around me, but I question, who is my pillar of support? Or do I even have 1 to begin with?

I used to work hard for my family, for my friends, for the people around me. Now, things seemed to have lost it's meaning, for there seems to be no one around who cares. I don't ask for much, all I ask for, is for you guys to allow me to be there, silently supporting you, and I'll be more than contented.

I'll work hard, to not let myself down. I'll put on that strong front, for I don't want to be that burden, adding to your troubles. Everyone has troubles, it's just how they deal with it. I know I have no right to succumb to these problems, for there are still loads of people who are less fortunate. That's the strength thats pushing me on. I've been trying, sorry if I'm unworthy, all I can say is that, I've tried my best, it's up to you whether you want to accept me for who I am or not.

I question, but I never do blame anyone. It's my life, my path, it's all fixed. What right do I have to complain, to question why things weren't the other way round? Why can't I just accept the fact for what it is, and live with it?

Through it all, I've learnt, and I've changed. I'm sorry for the tantrums and all. I promise that will never happen again. I'm sorry.

I've experienced the brutality of this world, of life. Life is fragile, and that somewhat taught me to be contented with what I have, and appreciate my life for what it is. It's a blessing in disguise.

I'll pull through, for I know I must, for anyone that's left around me.

Can you, just let me know that you're still by my side, and all that you said before all came from deep inside? Can you? Please? Or at least tell me what went wrong, for I really have no idea..

I know that it's all in vain, but that is the 1 hope that I'm clinging on too. I will cling onto this hope, until the very end. No matter how bleak it might be, I still convince myself that there is still that glimmer of hope.

Behind every cloud is a silver lining. I hope this saying is true.

I'm trying to learn to see things in the positive light. I know that one day down the road, I'll look back and laugh at myself for ever crumbling down at such obstacles before. I will overcome it, mark my words.

Dawn/Dusk/Kueh
02081994
Xinmin Secondary

I'm clinging on to every last hope, but as the seconds pass, I come to realise that all I'm doing is just deluding myself. I know, that it will never happen, but I chose to believe and my trust is betrayed. No matter what I do, I can't take my mind of that. I've been trying to be indifferent, but deep down, I know, that I've failed miserably. Am I taking things too seriously? Am I thinking too much into things? Am I a worrywart? I guess loads of things are unnecessary, but I can't seem to block them out. I try to figure out the reason behind all that I'm doing and I'm left bewildered. Even I can't seem to comprehend myself. Is putting on the mask really all that important? I tell people that I'm okay, but am I really? Deep down, I question myself, and end up being filled with even more questions than ever.

Sometimes I can't even comprehend my actions. More often than not, I regret my actions but do nothing to salvage the situation. I do know what's right and what's wrong, I know that there is a limit to everything. But I can't seem to control myself and my actions for I lack that courage, to even stand up to myself. I never try hard to prove my point, I'd rather take the backseat, but that ended up in me being misunderstood more often than not. But I don't ever bother standing up for myself, for I see no point, if you know me, you do, if not, then too bad. I was taken aback by what you said, even though it's just a passing remark. I still remember the exact words you said, and now, I finally realised what you meant.

Who am I really? Am I that joker that some people know me as, that 'guailan'? Or what others know me as, that happy-go-lucky person with the heck care attitude? Bad tempered? Good tempered? That crazy person who goes crazy for no rhyme or reason? Or that 'emo kid' who pms-es every other day? Or just that normal person that you won't lose anything by not knowing? Some say I'm strong by the way they see me, but some, has seen the weak side to me. Some say I ain't afraid of anything, but deep down, I'm nothing else but a coward. Which of those am I really? Or am I a combination of everything? I don't even know. I can't figure it out. I guess there are different sides to me, and different people would have seen the different sides of me. One thing for sure, no one, not even I, would know who the real Dawn is. For even I, can't figure myself out too. I'm left, lost and confused.

My constant indecisiveness must have been a chore. I thought I didn't have a mind of my own, until what someone said made me ponder. I do know what I want, but what is it that's making me so reluctant to voice it out? I thought long and hard and didn't get no answer until someone told me that it was because I didn't want to force the people around me to do what I liked and what they might not like. I wonder how true is that? Is that the reason why I'm following on with other's decisions and making myself seem as if I just don't know what I want? You told me I ain't all bad, for anything is my pet phrase and I just go with the flow and follow the crowd. Is that just words of comfort?

Nobody's perfect. I'm not even anywhere near good, but i've no right to complain. I've gotta snap out of it. I've made a promise to myself and I will stick to it, no matter what. I'm sorry for being that burden all this while and thanks, for bearing with me. I'm sorry for all that I've done. I'll face up to it, for it's all my fault. I know I shouldn't think too much into things, but theres a difference between knowing and doing.

Through it all, I realised the harsh reality. I've gotta stand on my own feet, I've gotta pick myself up on my own, for there is actually no one around. I've built a stone wall around, I've blocked myself out. I don't want to be that burden anymore. I don't want to bother you anymore. I guess I'm just plain irritating. But I won't be anymore. For I've convinced myself of the very fact that I've been deluding myself of all this while. I've gotta prove, that one can survive, without anyone else around.

I've made many mistakes along the way. Many of which I deeply regret now. There doesn't seem to be a second chance already, for it's all too late. I thought, but how wrong I was. I really don't know, why I'm even feeling this way. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but that second chance? Those were just rash acts without thinking on my part which I'm feeling remorseful for. If this is the way things are turning out, then I question myself, why did I even bother opening out to you in the first place? I guess all those has changed my image, to someone you're only filled with disgust towards. But please, may I at least know what went wrong? I thought I've found my confidante, I slowly opened out, but I look at the outcome and sigh, what a fool I've been. Now I know, I'm better off keeping everything locked inside. As much as I want to shout it all out, I know I can't, for I lack the courage to do so and for the fact that there ain't anyone around.

After that, I really have no idea if there even is anyone by my side. I thought there is, but I looked at it from a different light and it dawned on me, the lie that I've been clinging on to. Perhaps I'm not worthy, perhaps.. I'm a coward, all I'm capable of is hiding in a corner, unwilling to face it. I'm breaking down, it's tearing me apart. But I'll stay strong, for I really don't wanna be that burden anymore. Even after all those, you still hold the most important position in my heart. I really don't want anything to affect our relationship, but time and again, after all I did, I just get more and more demoralized. Is what I'm doing still worth it? Do I even have any place left in your heart? I thought you were there to support me, but after all you did, I knew I was wrong. Maybe I'm thinking too much into things, maybe that ain't your intention. I will never know. I just hope, and hope that it's just me. I'm sorry, I really am, for what I did in the past. I know it's too late, but at least I can tell myself, I've tried. Your little actions affect me a lot, but I never let it show, at least in front of you. That day i stormed out, was all because I knew I would blow up and didn't feel like making the situation even worse anymore. Maybe you didn't agree with me, but could you at least tell me what went wrong? I really hope that my thinking is wrong, for I don't want to accept that fact. I really hope that things could be like what it was in the past, I really do. But as I look at it now, it seems highly impossible. I've tried taking the first step, but to no avail, time and time again, I try, but each time, I just get hurt, again and again and it just accumulates, plunging me into that hole, deeper than ever. I'm trying, but your actions are of no help at all. Do you ever know, how much I desire, how much I long for that? I guess it's all my fault, I'll take the blame. I guess I deserved what I'm getting now, that I'm living a life of misery. But, I'll put on a brave front, I'll show you what I'm capable of.

What is life? Really, after 16 years, I still don't know what life really is. Trying moments, happy times, are those all just a facade? I daresay this period of time is the most trying period of life I've ever been through. What with academic problems, O levels approaching, diseases, sufferings, near death experiences, quarrels, mistrust, worsening relations. As I see the people around me suffering, I can't help but sigh and feel disgusted at myself, for not being able to do anything to ease their pain. At least their condition is improving, and that kinda puts my mind at ease. I stare at the never depleting pile of books, notes, whatnot and I sigh, for I guess I'll regret, somehow or rather, for I lack that drive to carry on anymore, especially after all that has happened. I experience the awkwardness and I sigh, for I know it's my fault that things turned out this way. I know I can't give up right now, not at this point of time. I'm trying my best, but is it enough to keep me going? I sure hope so.

I thought I could rely on my friends and family to pull through this trying period, but each time I look all around for a helping hand, I see none. I thought. I know I need to be that support to some people around me, but I question, who is my pillar of support? Or do I even have 1 to begin with?

I used to work hard for my family, for my friends, for the people around me. Now, things seemed to have lost it's meaning, for there seems to be no one around who cares. I don't ask for much, all I ask for, is for you guys to allow me to be there, silently supporting you, and I'll be more than contented.

I'll work hard, to not let myself down. I'll put on that strong front, for I don't want to be that burden, adding to your troubles. Everyone has troubles, it's just how they deal with it. I know I have no right to succumb to these problems, for there are still loads of people who are less fortunate. That's the strength thats pushing me on. I've been trying, sorry if I'm unworthy, all I can say is that, I've tried my best, it's up to you whether you want to accept me for who I am or not.

I question, but I never do blame anyone. It's my life, my path, it's all fixed. What right do I have to complain, to question why things weren't the other way round? Why can't I just accept the fact for what it is, and live with it?

Through it all, I've learnt, and I've changed. I'm sorry for the tantrums and all. I promise that will never happen again. I'm sorry.

I've experienced the brutality of this world, of life. Life is fragile, and that somewhat taught me to be contented with what I have, and appreciate my life for what it is. It's a blessing in disguise.

I'll pull through, for I know I must, for anyone that's left around me.

Can you, just let me know that you're still by my side, and all that you said before all came from deep inside? Can you? Please? Or at least tell me what went wrong, for I really have no idea..

I know that it's all in vain, but that is the 1 hope that I'm clinging on too. I will cling onto this hope, until the very end. No matter how bleak it might be, I still convince myself that there is still that glimmer of hope.

Behind every cloud is a silver lining. I hope this saying is true.

I'm trying to learn to see things in the positive light. I know that one day down the road, I'll look back and laugh at myself for ever crumbling down at such obstacles before. I will overcome it, mark my words.